How to be a supportive ally
to LGBTIQA+ people
The reality is everyone knows someone who is LGBTIQA+
It could be a grandparent, a parent, a sibling, a friend, the person who makes your morning coffee, a neighbour... LGBTIQA+ people are all around us, and so it’s important we know some of the ways to support LGBTIQA+ people in everyday life, and also when they are struggling.
Every person has the potential to be an LGBTIQA+ ally. We can understand allyship as something that is earned through our actions, not a label or identity we decide to give to ourselves.
Some of the key actions of allyship include:
Education (yourself)
Making a conscious effort to learn about LGBTIQA+ experiences, and the barriers LGBTIQA+ people face can help foster connection, understanding and acceptance.
A great place to start would be reading stories and articles put out by LGBTIQA+ organisations and people. Remember there’s a lot of disinformation on internet, it is important we are reading things about LGBTIQA+ experiences that are written by LGBTIQA+ people.
Education (others)
When we have a good literacy of LGBTIQA+ experiences and issues, it becomes easier to recognise when someone is expressing harmful attitudes, using stigmatising and/or outdated language, or being discriminatory.
As an ally, feeling confident to speak up when we hear or see something harmful to LGBTIQA+ people can help to educate others, and takes some of the burden away from LGBTIQA+ people having to educate broader society on their experiences and needs.
Sharing education could look like:
encouraging conversations to critically think about, or challenge stories in the media/news
choosing to post affirmative and informative LGBTIQA+ content
normalising the use of gender-neutral pronouns in mainstream settings
recognising when someone has a knowledge gap and taking responsibility to name and correct offensive or misguided statements
Support LGBTIQA+ causes and services
This could take many shapes, you may attend an event, raise awareness for issues effecting LGBTIQA+ people, donate to LGBTIQA+ causes and organisations, or support inclusion in the workplace or a community space.
Language
The words you use matter. Language can help LGBTIQA+ people to feel affirmed, respected, safe and welcome. On the other hand, outdated or non-validating language can fuel prejudice, and create erasure, internalised shame, poor self-esteem and poor mental health.
Normalising asking a person's pronouns and sharing your own is an excellent habit for allies to get into, even if think you're not around LGBTIQA+ people. This is a small action that has a big impact in creating safety and visibility.
Never assume, always ask.
LGBTIQA+ people are a diverse community – we're made up of many different and intersectional identities, just like any other community.
People may use different language to identify themselves and their relationships based on personal preference, their culture, previous experiences, the era they grew up in or their geographical location.
Make sure you listen to how someone talks about their experiences and take note of what language they use. If you need to ask for information, be sure to do it in an inclusive way e.g., "do you have any partners?" rather than exclusive or heteronormative questions like "are you married?” Also refrain from asking specific questions based on a gender assumption about someone e.g. pregnancy.
Remember that a person’s gender journey doesn’t tell you anything about their sexual orientation or their relationships. By never assuming anything about another person, we invite them to be in control their own narrative and avoid distressing or shaming someone.
Creating space for someone to safely self-identify is a small action that goes a long way (especially for those who are often misgendered or invisibilised, such as trans*, gender diverse, and non-binary people).
LGBTIQA+ people everywhere so it’s important we know some of the ways to support LGBTIQA+ people in everyday life.
Ways to affirm gender
Think of the person as the gender that they want you to think of them as, and treat them accordingly
Be supportive and encouraging when people wish to wear clothing or change their presentation to better represents their gender expression
Normalise and use gender-neutral language e.g. “hi folks” or “hi everyone” rather than “hi ladies” “hi guys”
Normalise introducing yourself with your pronouns and asking other people how they for their pronouns
Choose presents (birthdays, celebrations etc) that are gender-neutral, or aligned with what the receiver would like e.g. a toy truck and dolls aren’t reserved for one gender.
Don’t use the word “preferred” when talking about names and pronouns. Someone’s identity isn’t a preference, it’s who they are.
Respect boundaries and practice responsible curiosity. This might be the biggest thing in your life right now, it’s definitely bigger and more complex for them. Honour the way someone wants you to think of them, but remember they are still the same person.
Non-physical compliments
Often when we give someone a compliment, it’s in relation to their physical appearance. For someone who is going through a process of understanding and affirming their identity, compliments on physical attributes, (including clothing, which they may not have agency over) can be sensitive and cause distress, shame or dysphoria.
By contrast, giving someone an authentic non-physical compliment when they’re going through a difficult time can help to increase self-worth, help them to identify and focus on parts of themselves they can value, and increase their sense of belonging and connection. here are some examples of non-physical compliments:
You bring out the best in me
I appreciate how honest you are / I trust you
You are a wonderful person to be around
Our conversations always help me learn and grow
Your energy always makes me feel ____
You make me feel like I fit in
You're such a good listener
You’re such a good cook, I’m always excited to try your creations
Misgendering:
When we make mistakes
We're all human and on a journey of learning and growth, so at times, we're all bound to make mistakes.
What really matters when we make a mistake is that we don't make it personal and centre ourselves or our own feelings. We might not mean to centre ourselves in these moments, but it can be really easy to do when we feel bad. This could look like:
Over-apologising and repeating how bad we feel – even though you may feel terrible, this is an inappropriate reaction as it can amplify the situation and cause potential humiliation for the person who was misgendered. They also might feel responsible for comforting you in this moment, which is labour for them and not their job.
Defensiveness and/or justifications – if someone else points out your mistake, you might feel disappointed and defensive to prove your hard work and allyship so the person knows how seriously you take this. It’s important not to prioritise your feelings and ego though, as this is another way of placing responsibility back on the misgendered person to care for your feelings and tell you that you’re doing a good job.
What should I do in this moment? It may differ depending on the person and the context and environment the misgendering happened in. In general though, best practice is to calmly and briefly acknowledge the mistake, correct it, and move on. This could look like saying:
“Sorry, I meant [insert correction]’ and move on.
Rember to include the correct name or language after your apology as this shows you know what you should have said, and is good practice for the future.
What to do if someone corrects you? Remember not to centre ourselves and not to make the person correcting you feel responsible for comforting you in this moment by over apologising.
If some someone corrects you on using the wrong language briefly acknowledge the mistake, correct it, and move on. This could look like saying:
“Thank you. [insert correction].” and move on.
By thanking the person rather than apologising we do not put any pressure on them to feel responsible for comforting us, and again we use the correct language to show we know what to use.
Are you regularly misgendering someone unintentionally?
It’s important that you work to correct the barrier that’s keeping you from recognising someone's identity. It’s also important that you work on this issue in your own time (it’s not their job to teach you). Here are some tips to get you started:
Slow your speech down when you’re talking with this person and also about this person.
Find someone else you can practice pronouns with or practice talking about or to the person on your own
If you’re new to using gender-neutral pronouns it can take some time to adjust to using them fluently. Practice by using they/them pronouns on your pets, stories, or in practice conversations.
Consider talking with someone professional if you recognise there’s a reason you aren’t recognising and affirming the person’s gender.
I heard someone being misgendered
If you’re in a conversation that doesn’t involve the person who is misgendered, it’s still incredibly important to correct the mistake. Good allyship is not letting mistakes slide, even if they aren’t heard by the person affected.
This also helps to normalise their correct pronouns/identity and gives the other person a chance to correct themselves and learn from this, which may protect the person misgendered from having to deal with this first-hand.
This could simply look like: “Jamie uses they/them pronouns” and getting back to the conversation. Or just saying the correct pronoun when the wrong one is said ‘they’ nd getting back to the conversation.
If you hear someone being misgendered and they’re also present to hear it, take a moment to give the opportunity to the person misgendered to correct the mistake before stepping in on their behalf.
Be aware that there are many reasons a person might not advocate for themself in the moment – they might feel unsafe, embarrassed, or perhaps there is a power imbalance if it’s a professional context. Consider the environment first.
If you think it’s safe, then calmly correct the mistake – as it’s important for gender diverse people to be aware of their supports and allies. “Jamie uses [insert pronouns]” is all you need to say.
If it doesn’t feel appropriate to correct in the moment (e.g. during a large university lecture), pull the person aside after to let them know quietly to correct the mistake.
In both contexts, follow up with a one-on-one afterward with the person who was misgendered to check how they’re feeling.
Types of support
Support varies in how often or how much a supporter is there for a person.
could live with them to provide around the clock support
might be part of a bigger network of supports
someone with diagnosed mental illness who experiences suicidality
grieving and wanting to be there to hold space
Support also varies by relationship
might be a partner
family member such as a sibling, parent, aunt or uncle (what’s a non-binary word for aunt/uncle), or chosen family
friend or colleague (sometimes one and the same!)
your child
All support roles are valid. Though their might be similarities between roles, each supporter will do different tasks or help in different ways.
A support might offer:
physical support - get dressed, out of bed
practical support - food packages, drive to appointments, calling hospitals
financial support - calling Centrelink, helping pay bills or put holds on bills
emotional support - listening, distracting, comforting
spiritual support -
community support - bring together of people who share a connection
peer support -
The support you provide might also depend on whether you live with the person, the severity of their distress and overwhelm, access to other support and what you see your role as to the other person.