Looking after yourself
Looking After You
When supporting a loved one, friend, colleague, peer or anyone who is in distress or bereaved through suicide, it is important to look after your own health and wellbeing too.
When we’re feeling worried, tired or stressed, finding ways to look after ourselves can be the last thing we feel like doing. However, deciding to look after ourselves can help us to stay energised, reduce stress, bring creativity and joy.
“I’ve burnt out before. I know lots of queers who have. I don’t know if it is a queer thing but I know so many friends who would be there for me in a heartbeat but to get them to show up for themselves is way harder. I’ve learnt to keep up activities I enjoy even when I’m feeling guilty. Some days I’m tired and want to watch TV, which is great self care, but I need to see other friends who I’m not supporting and keep making sure I go to counselling and do fun stuff like go dancing or ride my bike.”
Your feelings matter
When you are supporting someone else who may be affected by suicide, you might feel a range of feelings, such as:
Fear: What will happen when I’m not available to support?
Worry: Will they be okay? Will they be okay at school/work?
Helplessness: What more can I do?
Confusion: I don’t know how to help. What is the best thing to do?
Guilt: Am I part of the problem? Do I know what I am doing? What about me?
Despair: Who can help? Are there services I can connect them to?
Overwhelmed: I don’t know what to do. This feels like too much to handle.
Remember that there is no right way to feel.
Boundaries
Everyone’s boundaries are different. Boundaries may change depending on your relationship to the person you are supporting, your current or past lived experiences, and your current capacity.
Boundaries help us to take care of ourselves so that we can continue to support well. Boundaries may feel selfish, mean or unnecessary, but it’s actually the kindest thing you can do for yourself and the person you’re supporting.
Here are some common examples of boundaries that you might use:
Identifying people in your community who you can talk to about what is happening. You might choose these people based on their listening ability, their understanding of LGBTIQA+ experiences, or their relationship to you.
Establishing a network of people around you and the person you’re supporting who can also help with some practical tasks so that you don’t burn out. Simple tasks that can be incredibly helpful and help you feel less alone as a supporter can include:
Support with everyday tasks e.g. cooking, cleaning, looking after kids
Support to check in on the person e.g. text messages, phone calls
Support to talk with other support and health services
Support driving or accompanying the person to appointments
Keeping your social connections with friends and chosen or biological family.
Taking time to look after yourself – maintaining a regular and healthy diet, getting fresh air and gentle exercise, and ensuring you get uninterrupted sleep is important. Another important form of self-care is to make sure you take time for yourself enjoy other activities guilt-free and free of your supporter role, e.g. going to the theatre, getting dinner with friends, or booking a massage.
Setting up a plan for how long you are able to provide this support role for, and if you get sick or burn out, planning out who would take over as the primary support person.
Remind yourself often:
“It’s ok for me to feel upset”
“I can’t be the only one responsible for keeping someone safe, no matter how much I care.”
“I need to talk to other people often about how I’m feeling and how this affects me.”
“I’m doing the best I can, and my best is enough.”
Did you know that Rainbow Door is also for friends and family of LGBTIQA+ people? Reach out for guidance on supporting someone LGBTIQA+ who is experiencing thoughts of suicide: