Starting the conversation
Starting a conversation can feel really hard but there are so many benefits to telling someone how we're feeling.
If you’ve arrived at this hub with a sense of needing support, we encourage you keep reading and thinking about what the most comfortable way for you to have this conversation would be.
“These feelings of distress can make us feel isolated but you are not alone. There is a community who cares and can offer support. These feelings change over time - for me, they changed for the better” - Erin (she/they)
Preparing for the conversation
Consider how you would feel most comfortable to start this conversation. We all have different styles of communicating. Here are some ideas to begin a conversation with a supportive person:
Text it
Write an email
Write a letter you can hand to someone
Film a message on your phone
Draw it
Face to face conversation
If you start with one of the above options, give the person you’re contacting time to understand the context of your communication. A short note provides the other person with time to prepare themselves and to choose when and how to engage, which makes it safer for both of you. If you're not sure what to say, here’s an example:
“I’m reaching out because I trust you and feel like I can talk to you. I’d like to send you a message shortly that lets you in on how I’ve been feeling lately, but I didn’t want to catch you by surprise. It feels easier for me to start a conversation by engaging in this way. Thanks for being there for me.”
If a face-to-face conversation is more comfortable for you, consider these:
The time: choosing a time that works for you, as well as the person you’ve chosen to speak with is an important first step. Allow as much time as you think you may need, ideally avoid having to rush. Being in agreement about the timeframe means that both of you are clear about the expectation of the meeting. Conversations about feelings of suicide can be tiring, if you have allowed an hour to have the initial conversation it’s good to stick to the time if possible. You can always make another time or discuss extending the time.
The location: pick somewhere that is comfortable for you and as private, or not, as you need. You might prefer to walk or move when you’re talking and choose somewhere such as the park. Keep in mind if you choose to meet in a library or café, best to check their opening hours and/or peak service times so you’re not interrupted.
Your needs going into the conversation: How do you feel about eye contact? Do you like comfort through touch (e.g. an arm around you) or to be separate? Are you more comfortable sitting next to, or opposite someone? Are you more at ease having difficult conversations over an activity, e.g. walking, doodling or using sensory toys? Are you looking for them to listen only, or are you reaching out for help and guidance to work out the next step together?
“Trying to talk to someone about what I was feeling felt so scary. When I eventually told someone, I couldn’t even say anything. I just handed them a post-it note where I had written down all the things that felt important for them to know.” - Maryam (she/her)
Having the conversation
Save the numbers for Rainbow Door, QLife, Lifeline and any other helpful numbers in your phone for debriefing after the conversation if you need.
Make a plan for what you’re going to do after the conversation (watch a movie, walk your dog, skateboarding, baking, crochet etc). If your plan for after the conversation involves another person, check in to arrange it in advance if possible.
If you live alone, or with non-supportive people, consider arranging to stay at an affirming friend or family member’s house, or have them stay with you that night.
Consider these conversation prompts to start your conversation:
This is really hard for me to talk about, I’m struggling right now, and I don’t know what to do. Things have been really tough:
Ever since (breaking up, bullying incident, coming out, leaving home, etc… A time frame can be really helpful to add– 3 months/ one year ago, etc)
I have been feeling (sad, anxious, hopeless, alone, depressed, a burden, not myself, etc)
I’m struggling with (alcohol, socialising, eating, concentration, thoughts of dying, etc)
I'm thinking about (suicide/dying, a plan/ways to die, disappearing, etc)
I trust you because (I’m coming to terms with my identity/ sexuality, and you are / have shown you’re an ally to / work with LGBTIQA+ people
Would you have capacity to support me to get (help, referral, LGBTIQA+ support, an LGBTQIA+ affirming doctor, a community support group, medication, a therapist etc)
This emotion wheel can be helpful for choosing the right words to describe how you’ve been feeling ›
Important information to include:
The most important thing is to clearly name you’ve been thinking about suicide
How long you have been feeling like this
If you know the reason/s these feelings started
Anything that has been helpful/unhelpful so far
Any plans you’ve been thinking about, and how likely you are to act on those plans
What you would like (someone to listen, help to find a therapist, a safety plan etc)
After the conversation
Taking care of yourself after a tough conversation is really important. At this point, the most important thing is that you’ve reached out to let someone know you’ve had thoughts of suicide. The person you tell will most probably want to know what they can do to support you. It’s a good idea to have a think before the conversation about what that support might look like. If you’re not sure, here are some examples:
Setting up a follow up conversation on another day to check in
Practical support to navigate the next step (such as researching services, and looking at referral options)
If at the end of the conversation you feel like you’re not able to keep yourself safe right make sure you communicate this to your friend or someone else. If you feel unable to vocalise this, then write this down or let someone know clearly in away that is ok for you that you are not able to keep yourself safe right now. There are some things you could do:
Ask if they can stay with you until intense feelings of overwhelm and thoughts of suicide have eased
Ask them to stay with you while you contact a helpline or mental health support service until you are feeling less overwhelmed
Ask them to help make your environment a safer space for you right now. This might include asking them to remove medications or distressing objects and introduce calming objects such as a plush toy, etc
Ask if you can stay with them or have them stay with you that evening so you’re in company with someone able to support you
Ask them to assist you to fill out your Safety Card and Switchboard Suicide Safety Plan
Ask them to help you contact someone else who is able to assist you with the above if they need to keep their own boundary regarding what feels safe for them right now.
What if the person I told wasn’t helpful?
It’s important to remember that if the person you told didn't respond in a way that felt helpful to you, this is not your fault. Suicide is a complicated topic, and everyone has their own unique experiences and ways of talking about and understanding mental health. It’s understandable that you may feel discouraged and wary of starting this conversation with someone else if it didn’t go as you hoped. Please consider trying again and reaching out to another person in your life or alternatively contact Rainbow Door or QLIFE or another helpline of your choice for support or to debrief.
Helplines
QLIFE: 1800 184 527 (3pm – midnight, 7 days)
Rainbow Door 1800 729 367 / text: 0480 017 246 (10am-5pm, 7 days)
Lifeline: 13 11 14 (24/7)
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 (24/7)
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636 (24/7)
1800Respect: 1800 737 732 (24/7)