E’s Story
Sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to ask.
I have experienced periods of suicidal ideation and behaviour during different times in my lifetime. I am, in fact, in one of these periods as I write this.
Wanting to die often has nothing to do with anyone else. It can be a very private and isolating experience. But the way that the external world handles this experience, although can come in many different iterations, usually reverts the responsibility of staying alive onto the person who wants to die.
If you have experienced this state or are supporting someone who is experiencing suicidal ideation or behaviour, the absolute worst thing that you can say to them is “think of the lives you will ruin if you were to commit suicide”. I have had this said to me even within the last two weeks, and it is far and beyond the least supportive and understanding, bordering on selfish things that one can say to another person when they are at their depths.
The social norms which surround suicide and self-harm function via a medicalised, shame-based methodology. It is the onus of the unwell person to seek help and support from friends, family, community and medical professionals. But this is where the advice will vary from case-to-case.
Each friend or family member will receive this information differently. Some will provide practical advice such as “go for a walk” or “do some meditation”. This is not helpful, because between the lines of what is seen as supportive, again puts the responsibility of providing support and self-care to one self, when one only wants to do the opposite.
“You can’t manipulate a person into choosing life, if you do this, you’re incapable of understanding and should take a step back. A person who wants to take their own life needs the channels of support, akin to a soft hand at your back reassuring you that you are loved, even when you don’t love yourself. ”
The truth of the matter is that crisis support provided by loved ones shouldn’t be imposing or judgemental. It should simply be supportive, checking in with your suicidal loved one regularly and being available in an emergency. This has also been provided to me in the last two weeks and for that I am eternally grateful.
It’s not about giving reasons why someone should live. We understand those reasons, but sometimes they’re just not enough. You can’t manipulate a person into choosing life, if you do this, you’re incapable of understanding and should take a step back. A person who wants to take their own life needs the channels of support, akin to a soft hand at your back reassuring you that you are loved, even when you don’t love yourself.
If you are reading this and your loved one is experiencing suicidal ideation, secure your own supports first, and then gently let your loved person know that you are there, and not just once.
If you are experiencing these feelings, secure your channels. Only confide in those who you know will not judge you, and even if you don’t love yourself, find ways to reach out to those who care, even if they are support services.
And only go for a fucking walk if you want to.
by E.