Grief after a suicide
Everyone expresses grief differently
Grieving a suicide loss can feel very different to other experience of grief after a death. It can be complex, often traumatic, and sometimes the people around us may feel unsure on how to support us because of the stigma associated with suicide loss.
There is a large range of emotional reactions that you might feel after a suicide. These feelings of grief can also be affected by the relationship you had with the person who died, circumstances around the death, and the support that you have around you.
Common grief feelings or experiences include:
Guilt: Many bereaved people feel a sense of guilt. They may feel they could have done more, missed the signs or should have seen it coming. “If only” is common thought.
Blame: We might blame ourselves for a suicide or blame others who were part of the person’s life. Blame can be a way for some people to make sense of what happened or for people to channel their emotion to a particular person or situation.
Anger: Feel rejected or abandoned by the loved one who died. We might feel anger at those around the person who suicided, the system that failed to support the person, even the person who suicided for deciding to take their own life. Anger is a common part of loss through suicide.
Disconnecting from people around us: Stigma around suicide may make it difficult to reach out for support. Some customs, religious and countries view suicide as a taboo which can make it difficult for many people to stay connected with their support networks.
Isolation: Many people feel deserted, rejected or even betrayed by the person who took their own life and be afraid to begin new relationships. Some people find it difficult to speak about their grief and emotions because of the stigma associated with suicide. Grieving after a suicide can be a very lonely experience, and people often value a support group in which they can share their experience with other survivors of suicide loss.
Relief: In some families, a suicide occurs without warning. In others it is obvious the person who took their own life was suffering from significant mental distress. When this is the case, feelings of guilt and rejection may be less strong. Family and friends may experience some sense of relief after the suicide that the person is released from their mental suffering.
“I knew about the stages of grief and was like, alright, you’ve got to feel the feelings to get through pain. I didn’t know my mind would be taken over with relentless questioning, ‘why did this have to happen?’, ‘what went wrong?’, ‘what was he thinking?’. I wanted answers as if knowing could turn back time and change the worst thing to happen in my life.”
Grief has no timeline
Everyone experiences grief differently and there is no set timeframe on how you should feel.
As you navigate grief and share your story with others, you might often hear the phrases “it will get easier with time” or “time heals all wounds”. People may think that your feelings of grief might shrink over time or that there is an endpoint to grief. In reality, grief has no timeline and there should be no expectation of it to go away.
Perhaps a specific date, or your favourite song, or a smell might make you feel as heartbroken, overwhelmed or isolated as the very first day. Your grief may stay with you, but as time goes on, you may find that you experience it differently or it varies in intensity.