Anniversaries and significant occasions
Seeking Support
It can be difficult to navigate events and significant dates after losing someone to suicide. Certain times of the year might feel more challenging to pass through as this can be a reminder of the absence of our loved ones. Some people may find themselves being reminded of the loss in painful and distressing ways or experiencing flashbacks to the time of year when their loved one had died. Reminders of the loss may catch people ‘off guard.’
Significant dates, changes of season/weather and celebrations such as New Year's, Eid and Pride can all be markers which can amplify the time away from the person we have lost. Sometimes this can make us feel as though we are continuing to experience the loss, the loss of relationship and closeness with our loved one.
Challenging Dates:
Being able to identify the times of the year that might feel like more of a challenge for you can be an important way you can look after yourself and acknowledge the pain you might experience. This might mean that you are mindful of what you might schedule around a particular date, or decide to plan in advance – for example, if the birthday of the person you have lost feels like a very challenging time, you might make sure you have things around you that week to take care of yourself such as having a friend you can check in with, and taking a day off uni or work. Some people might also choose to have some distraction on the day, or schedule in things that feel nourishing and positive.
On his birthday, I felt grief rip open my heart again. I knew intellectually that anniversaries were hard, I didn’t know I’d feel this sad. I wish I had taken the day off work and made plans to honour him, like listening to his favourite songs. Next year I’ll be taking the day off
— Mike (He/They)
Honouring Our Loved Ones
Another way of moving through significant dates might be to continue to honor, hold space, and celebrate the life of our loved one through creating an event for them and the people close to them. Continuing to have a ritual for a birthday, or the anniversary of their death can be how we feel more comfortable with living with our grief. This can support us in continuing our relationship with them, and support us in holding onto the love, care and bond we have with our loved one.
Celebrating birthdays:
Some examples of what people might do to celebrate a birthday are: holding a ceremony to acknowledge the age that the person would be – having a birthday cake, holding ritual with those that were close to the person, playing their favourite songs on that day, planting a tree, or going for a walk in their favourite park.
Acknowledging anniversaries:
Some examples of what people might do to acknowledge the anniversary might be to light a candle and create a display in memory of the person they have lost, visit the site that the person may be buried at, or write them a letter marking the day.
It is also okay to have a change of mind or understand that you may feel differently on a particular day. Giving yourself permission to change plans or cancel an event you might have been wanting to hold to honour the person is okay. We may experience overwhelm at times, especially when creating events such as these for the first time. Being kind to yourself and listening to what you need is the most important and nourishing thing you can do.
It’s also important that, if you don’t find yourself feeling as intensely as you’d anticipated, you don’t feel guilty or resent yourself for that - grief shows up in all sorts of ways, and we should be gentle to ourselves regardless of what those ways are.
LGBTIQA+ community events
In LGBTIQA+ communities, there might be significance around community events for some people who are bereaved. For example, the marker of dates of marriage equality, and times of year such as Pride may feel heavy, loaded or have been important to the person they have lost. Holding space for ourselves to acknowledge our loss throughout these dates and times can be important also. There may be others within the community that have experienced the same loss, and holding a ritual for the people you have lost in whatever way feels honoring can be supportive for individuals to do collectively too.
Feeling connected on important days
There may be other significant times throughout the year that you are mindful of approaching without your loved one. For example, on your birthday, having the absence of your loved one may feel different, painful, or challenging. On these days, it might feel important to do some things that can help you continue to feel connected to your loved ones. This might be, for example, sharing photos of you with your loved one on previous birthdays with others, getting together gifts they gave you previously, or doing something that you enjoyed doing together. Creating a space to honor your loved one on days which hold significance for you can be important in supporting you throughout your grief.
Supporting someone who is experiencing difficulties on an important date
Expressing care for someone who is experiencing difficulties, pain or distress surrounding an important date can be a very loving and supportive thing to do. Showing your support does not have to look a particular way. Some ways of providing support might involve, letting the person know you are thinking of them in the context of the date (e.g. birthday or anniversary of death), providing an option to share some time to think/talk and acknowledge the date with them, or assisting with practical support if they are feeling overwhelmed, e.g. cooking dinner or driving them to an appointment.
Knowing there are support options available for people can also be useful. Having dedicated space to talk about your loss and experience of bereavement can be an important part of processing a loss through suicide. There are a range of supports available that are free or low cost, and LGBTQIA+ options too. For further information of referrals visit our bereavement support section on our website.